I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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