I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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