We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
