Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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