I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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