Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
