Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just cropdusted the office
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize