I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
