I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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