Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
