Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
