I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
