a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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