4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
