all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
