The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
