Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
