i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
