I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
