I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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