Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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