Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
