our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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