just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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