he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize