I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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