Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
