If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
