her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize