my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He shit in the fireplace
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
