Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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