trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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