Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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