dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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