Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize