so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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