I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I did not marry a roomba.
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