I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
