This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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