So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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