I think I just saw someone hide a body.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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