Did you just see the Batmobile???
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
