I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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