sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
