The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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