Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
