Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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