I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
