whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize