I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
