you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
