Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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