I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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