You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
