thus making me awesome and them whores
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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