i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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