My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
