i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
wow bdsm is so cute
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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